none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
