I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize