I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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