You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
