y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
