And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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