A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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