I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
