she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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