I'm so fucking centered right now
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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