New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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