the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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