So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
