More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
