Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
my liver is dry heaving
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
