kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
