My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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