I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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