i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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