I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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