Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I just threw up on my dentist
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
