I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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