Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
