I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
