I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
