haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My dick has a subreddit
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
