so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
