Life is so much better after having sex.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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