Don't make out with my wife yet
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Randomize
