I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
