my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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