I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
