first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
