new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
