not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
