I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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