just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
