When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
barbara walters just said penis...
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
