I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake đź‘Ś
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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