guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
This is classic penis vs brain.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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