Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
