Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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