I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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