apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
