i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
