yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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