First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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