wakey wakey hands off snakey
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
