I smell stomach acid.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize