you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
