my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
