Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
