i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
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