What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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