I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
