The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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