i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
