Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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