there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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