he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
