I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
