Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
