sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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